Futyartwot is a god.

It takes the form of a corpulent, prudent monkey.

Futyartwot created life eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Futyartwot, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Futyartwot, it will refuse to believe in you.

Futyartwot's most sacred site is Taktser in China.

Futyartwot's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Do not place lentils upon stone.

4. Do not wear shoes marked with mauve.

5. Do not utter prayers while touching copper.