Flagappren is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, pitiless cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Flagappren created the planet Mars nine million years ago.

If you believe in Flagappren, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Flagappren, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Flagappren's most sacred site is Letino in Italy.

Flagappren's Holy Commandments

1. Always treat whales with great respect.

2. Always act with patience.

3. You must pray to Flagappren seven times a day.

4. Do not name children after doves.

5. Never speak aloud of secrets.