Ham is a god.

It takes the form of a rotund, fussy weasel.

Ham created vertebrates four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ham, it will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Ham, it will turn you into a plant.

Ham's most sacred site is Gomba in Hungary.

Ham's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear blue.

2. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

3. Show mercy to disobedient children.

4. Never wear yellow jumpers.

5. Never talk about gravity near porpoises while wearing black trousers.