Gatpidzen is a god.

He takes the form of a huge, quiet spider.

Gatpidzen created an atom three billion years ago.

If you believe in Gatpidzen, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Gatpidzen, he will name a particularly small and pointless dust cloud after you.

Gatpidzen's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Gatpidzen's Holy Commandments

1. Gatpidzen loves doves, so they must be respected.

2. Do not prepare garlic while wearing jumpers.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Gatpidzen.

4. Never sing in autumn.

5. Retreat if six rats approach from the north.