Quartyakwap is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely thin, wise squid.

Quartyakwap created dark matter seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Quartyakwap, she will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Quartyakwap, she will say rude things about you at parties.

Quartyakwap's most sacred site is Monong in Botswana.

Quartyakwap's Holy Commandments

1. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Quartyakwap.

2. Always count to nine before sleeping.

3. Never speak at midday.

4. Do not wear shirts marked with white.

5. Never mention bats.