Hatfigpan is a god.

It takes the form of a very long, contented finch.

Hatfigpan created tapeworms four million years ago.

If you believe in Hatfigpan, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Hatfigpan, it will turn you into a small brown duck.

Hatfigpan's most sacred site is Chettipet in India.

Hatfigpan's Holy Commandments

1. Always wash your arms before prayer.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Pray only in shadows.

4. Always wear plain boots during rituals.

5. Feed all hungry bats.