Mattalpon is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly large, unthinking spider.

Mattalpon created humanity four million years ago.

If you believe in Mattalpon, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Mattalpon, she will turn you into a puffin.

Mattalpon's most sacred site is Auvillar in France.

Mattalpon's Holy Commandments

1. Do not utter prayers while touching silicon.

2. Always face the south before speaking sacred words.

3. Erect a giant indigo sculpture of Mattalpon in the centre of the settlement.

4. Never sprint in holy places.

5. Never look in ponds.