Stigvonknell is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, charitable guinea pig.

Stigvonknell created light nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Stigvonknell, he will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Stigvonknell, he will turn you into a puffin.

Stigvonknell's most sacred site is Kottucherry in India.

Stigvonknell's Holy Commandments

1. Never stain your neck with turquoise.

2. Stigvonknell loves goats, so they must be honoured.

3. Erect a large gold sculpture of Stigvonknell on top of all buildings.

4. Do not name children after porpoises.

5. Never eat green fruit.