Jamtapgum is a god.

She takes the form of a very long, unfair mink.

Jamtapgum created dark energy six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Jamtapgum, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Jamtapgum, she will refuse to believe in you.

Jamtapgum's most sacred site is Mmankgodi in Botswana.

Jamtapgum's Holy Commandments

1. Always help porpoises.

2. Always help sick bats.

3. Never look in ponds.

4. Never hurt ducks.

5. Never feed onions to seals while wearing red tights.