Barnquamtam is a god.

She takes the form of a very large, unjust mink.

Barnquamtam created Mount Everest eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Barnquamtam, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Barnquamtam, she will be very sad.

Barnquamtam's most sacred site is Corsock in Scotland.

Barnquamtam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not kill frogs.

2. Learn five new languages a year.

3. Tortoises are not to be trusted.

4. Never feed lots of apples to manatees while wearing cyan stockings.

5. Your children must be taught to worship Barnquamtam.