Larpquagven is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, awesome aardvark.

Larpquagven created tapeworms eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Larpquagven, she will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Larpquagven, she will ignore you and hope you go away.

Larpquagven's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Larpquagven's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Larpquagven.

2. Do not covet oxen.

3. Learn five new languages a year.

4. Never look in ponds.

5. Do not chop down trees.