Vabtailort is a god.

He takes the form of a blubbery, witty jaguar.

Vabtailort created viruses eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Vabtailort, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Vabtailort, he will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Vabtailort's most sacred site is Katteri in India.

Vabtailort's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from gray hamsters for they are unholy.

2. Never think about dark matter near frogs while wearing violet kilts and balancing four carbon spheres on your neck.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Always help gulls in need.

5. Always make sure there are no horses in a building before entering it.