Flapgumarf is a god.

He takes the form of a heavy, capable bear.

Flapgumarf created vertebrates eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Flapgumarf, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Flapgumarf, he will attempt to scare you with hail.

Flapgumarf's most sacred site is Pandamatenga in Botswana.

Flapgumarf's Holy Commandments

1. Do not trade with those who eat oranges.

2. Erect eight zinc sculptures of Flapgumarf on top of important buildings.

3. Pray towards the south.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Never think about ribonucleic acid.