Quartsakarm is a god.

It takes the form of a galaxy-sized, idiotic crane.

Quartsakarm created tapeworms eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Quartsakarm, it will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Quartsakarm, it will destroy your favourite planet.

Quartsakarm's most sacred site is Pedraza in Spain.

Quartsakarm's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Always wear brown.

3. Do not shave your feet.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Never write about archaea.