Bemflowgem is a god.

He takes the form of a very long, grumpy spider.

Bemflowgem created Africa eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bemflowgem, he will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Bemflowgem, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Bemflowgem's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Bemflowgem's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate voles.

2. Never talk about comets.

3. Never write about gravity.

4. Feed all hungry aardvarks.

5. Draw representations of dwarf planets on the walls of your dwelling place.