Barnmidcad is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, competent chicken.

Barnmidcad created the planet Jupiter four years ago.

If you believe in Barnmidcad, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Barnmidcad, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Barnmidcad's most sacred site is Dimson in England.

Barnmidcad's Holy Commandments

1. Paint representations of dwarf planets on the walls of your dwelling place in white.

2. Do not drink water in turquoise rooms.

3. Always help sick swans.

4. Never talk about optics near porpoises while wearing fawn corsets and balancing seven tin spheres on your hands.

5. Erect a large silver sculpture of Barnmidcad on top of all buildings.