Jarnhomsitvonk Xuckquimtengun is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, omnipotent seal.

Jarnhomsitvonk Xuckquimtengun created Africa four million years ago.

If you believe in Jarnhomsitvonk Xuckquimtengun, she will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Jarnhomsitvonk Xuckquimtengun, she will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Jarnhomsitvonk Xuckquimtengun's most sacred site is Katteri in India.

Jarnhomsitvonk Xuckquimtengun's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Erect three titanium sculptures of Jarnhomsitvonk Xuckquimtengun on top of important buildings.

3. Do not commit murder.

4. Never go into mauve rooms.

5. Never talk about the strong nuclear force.