Jatwipvog is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly large, benevolent armadillo.

Jatwipvog created humankind two thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jatwipvog, he will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Jatwipvog, he will not invite you to parties.

Jatwipvog's most sacred site is Acanceh in Mexico.

Jatwipvog's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear black clothing.

2. Do not kill sharks.

3. Never paint your hands green.

4. Never talk about moths.

5. Put Jatwipvog first in all things.