Cancatveen is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely small, kind troll.

Cancatveen created Europe seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Cancatveen, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Cancatveen, he will jump up and down on your head.

Cancatveen's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Cancatveen's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a giant pink sculpture of Cancatveen in the centre of the settlement.

2. Do not hurt tortoises.

3. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Always obey Cancatveen's priests.