Haspaknak is a god.

He takes the form of a very thin, charitable walrus.

Haspaknak created everything that exists four million years ago.

If you believe in Haspaknak, he will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Haspaknak, he will hide angry queen hornets in your dwelling place.

Haspaknak's most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Haspaknak's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat green fruit.

2. Never talk about moons.

3. Always pray immersed in water.

4. Look mercifully on unfortunate shrews.

5. Never talk about quantum mechanics near snails while wearing yellow trousers and balancing eight tin spheres on your back.