Tabciss is a god.

It takes the form of an enormous, ill-tempered lobster.

Tabciss created the Sun five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Tabciss, it will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Tabciss, it will come to you in dreams.

Tabciss' most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Tabciss' Holy Commandments

1. Always pray immersed in water.

2. Always look after injured mites.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Tabciss.

4. Do not stand on grass.

5. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.