Tapmitdam is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, compassionate cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Tapmitdam created humankind four million years ago.

If you believe in Tapmitdam, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Tapmitdam, he will destroy your home galaxy.

Tapmitdam's most sacred site is Askos in Greece.

Tapmitdam's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from brown rats for they are unholy.

2. Never skip in holy places.

3. Erect a large iron sculpture of Tapmitdam on top of all buildings.

4. Learn seven new languages a year.

5. Pray towards the east.