Ortkargantaf is a god.

It takes the form of a massive, happy crocodile.

Ortkargantaf created light four million years ago.

If you believe in Ortkargantaf, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Ortkargantaf, it will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Ortkargantaf's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Ortkargantaf's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Ortkargantaf.

3. Never think ill of sick tortoises.

4. Always make sure there are no mice in a room before entering it.

5. Walk at least eight thousand metres per day.