Tonpadlak is a god.

She takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, wise dugong.

Tonpadlak created snails eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Tonpadlak, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Tonpadlak, she will be very unhappy.

Tonpadlak's most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Tonpadlak's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into black rooms.

2. Paint representations of galaxies on the walls of your dwelling place in yellow.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Retreat if nine eagles approach from the north.

5. Hide from magenta moths for they are unholy.