Gabcutben is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, dishonest jaguar.

Gabcutben created dark matter six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gabcutben, he will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Gabcutben, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Gabcutben's most sacred site is Glastonbury Tor in England.

Gabcutben's Holy Commandments

1. Do not fashion models of living things.

2. Always look after injured birds.

3. Never write about nucleic acids.

4. Never think about cell theory.

5. Respect your elders.