Flatdossjig is a god.

She takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, omnipotent porpoise.

Flatdossjig created carbon five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Flatdossjig, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Flatdossjig, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Flatdossjig's most sacred site is Makopong in Botswana.

Flatdossjig's Holy Commandments

1. Always look after injured grasshopers.

2. Walk at least six thousand metres per day.

3. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

4. Never think about optics near goats while wearing purple corsets and balancing four zinc spheres on your chest.

5. Do not fashion models of living things.