Joptailmat is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, compassionate bird.

Joptailmat created parasitic wasps nine million years ago.

If you believe in Joptailmat, she will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Joptailmat, she will come to you in dreams.

Joptailmat's most sacred site is Grimme in Germany.

Joptailmat's Holy Commandments

1. Joptailmat loves sheep, so they must be respected.

2. Never think about the weak nuclear force near seals while wearing magenta shorts and balancing seven nickel spheres on your feet.

3. Retreat if five dolphins approach from the north.

4. Do not eat beans.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.