Kaptinzog is a god.

It takes the form of a galaxy-sized, uncaring swallow.

Kaptinzog created a top quark four years ago.

If you believe in Kaptinzog, it will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Kaptinzog, it will turn you into a rat.

Kaptinzog's most sacred site is Borolong in Botswana.

Kaptinzog's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from green gulls for they are unholy.

2. Feed all hungry ants.

3. Horses are not to be trusted.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Kaptinzog.

5. Do not covet oxen.