Gabcumgen is a god.

He takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, benevolent lobster.

Gabcumgen created gold five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Gabcumgen, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Gabcumgen, he will destroy your home solar system.

Gabcumgen's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Gabcumgen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not speak about bread.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Gabcumgen.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.