Xemvedvig is a god.

She takes the form of a rotund, smart dugong.

Xemvedvig created the universe six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Xemvedvig, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Xemvedvig, she will destroy your favourite planet.

Xemvedvig's most sacred site is Ringsted in Denmark.

Xemvedvig's Holy Commandments

1. Do not stand on grass.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate mites.

3. Never think about amino acids.

4. Show mercy to disobedient children.

5. Never sing in the presence of turtles.