Stafjabvag is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, contented penguin.

Stafjabvag created humankind seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Stafjabvag, she will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Stafjabvag, she will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Stafjabvag's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Stafjabvag's Holy Commandments

1. Never mention ducks.

2. Do not eat wheat.

3. Do not take Stafjabvag's name in vain.

4. Never talk about the strong nuclear force near horses while wearing pink coats.

5. Never talk about fluid mechanics near grasshopers while wearing brown hats and balancing five zinc spheres on your hands.