Pakhontap is a god.

She takes the form of a very large, witless penguin.

Pakhontap created the Sol system six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Pakhontap, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Pakhontap, she will turn you into a giant slug.

Pakhontap's most sacred site is Farnetta in Italy.

Pakhontap's Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Pakhontap.

2. Never hurt geese.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Never bounce in the presence of dogs.

5. Erect a large carbon sculpture of Pakhontap on top of all buildings.