Gunkonzan is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, almighty crocodile.

Gunkonzan created humankind two billion years ago.

If you believe in Gunkonzan, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Gunkonzan, he will turn you into a giant slug.

Gunkonzan's most sacred site is Bertkow in Germany.

Gunkonzan's Holy Commandments

1. Gunkonzan loves pigs, so they must be respected.

2. Never think about the weak nuclear force near turtles while wearing white dresses and balancing nine tin spheres on your hands.

3. Tortoises are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Always help goats.