Paggarlab Vonrutmon is a god.

He takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, dishonourable jaguar.

Paggarlab Vonrutmon created humanity two million years ago.

If you believe in Paggarlab Vonrutmon, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Paggarlab Vonrutmon, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Paggarlab Vonrutmon's most sacred site is Altata in Mexico.

Paggarlab Vonrutmon's Holy Commandments

1. Never wear jumpers.

2. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

3. Shun those given to sloth.

4. Do not count beyond eight during ceremonies.

5. Always wash your face before prayer.