Arpsterzen is a god.

It takes the form of a giant, unsympathetic raccoon.

Arpsterzen created a quark seven million years ago.

If you believe in Arpsterzen, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Arpsterzen, it will have an extremely low opinion of you.

Arpsterzen's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Arpsterzen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not contemplate gravity during the night.

2. Do not step barefoot upon white earth.

3. Never eat oranges on fasting days.

4. Never eat bark.

5. You must never eat gooseberries.