Cissparkquill is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, witty seal.

Cissparkquill created the universe five thousand years ago.

If you believe in Cissparkquill, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Cissparkquill, he will turn you into a giant snail.

Cissparkquill's most sacred site is Yongding in China.

Cissparkquill's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear yellow.

2. Retreat if four great tits approach from the south.

3. Never discuss horizontal gene transfer in public assemblies.

4. Erect a giant mauve sculpture of Cissparkquill in the centre of the settlement.

5. Do not hop in public.