Jonbonklat is a god.

She takes the form of a very large, competent elephant.

Jonbonklat created bats five million years ago.

If you believe in Jonbonklat, she will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Jonbonklat, she will throw large rocks at you.

Jonbonklat's most sacred site is Yerakini in Greece.

Jonbonklat's Holy Commandments

1. Do not eat oranges.

2. Put Jonbonklat first in all things.

3. Never feed lots of peanuts to sharks while wearing indigo corsets.

4. Do not chop down trees.

5. Heed all signs.