Laphognak is a god.

It takes the form of a corpulent, capable seal.

Laphognak created snails two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Laphognak, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Laphognak, it will come to you in dreams.

Laphognak's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Laphognak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your arms.

2. Erect four copper sculptures of Laphognak on top of important buildings.

3. You must never eat parsnips.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Do not speak about beans.