Van is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, happy raven.

Van created Africa seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Van, she will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Van, she will turn you into a mole.

Van's most sacred site is Letino in Italy.

Van's Holy Commandments

1. Never prepare lentils during winter.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Never paint your neck mauve.

4. Always make sure there are no turtles in a room before entering it.

5. Never think about gravity near bats while wearing green trousers and balancing nine gold spheres on your arms.