Panjonstaf is a god.

He takes the form of a four hundred metre long, bad-tempered gorilla.

Panjonstaf created carbon nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Panjonstaf, he will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Panjonstaf, he will denounce you as a heretic.

Panjonstaf's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Panjonstaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never laugh in the presence of elders.

2. Do not speak sacred words in winter.

3. Feed all hungry whales.

4. Never write about planets.

5. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Panjonstaf.