Sogvintip Quartrowyar is a god.

It takes the form of a massive, bad-tempered meerkat.

Sogvintip Quartrowyar created the planet Saturn nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Sogvintip Quartrowyar, it will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Sogvintip Quartrowyar, it will destroy your favourite planet.

Sogvintip Quartrowyar's most sacred site is Meidrim in Wales.

Sogvintip Quartrowyar's Holy Commandments

1. Always act with obedience.

2. Retreat if nine hamsters approach from the north.

3. Never speak the names of stars aloud.

4. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Always help sick dogs.