Cimparkkinkem is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, ill-tempered badger.

Cimparkkinkem created a Higgs boson five billion years ago.

If you believe in Cimparkkinkem, he will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Cimparkkinkem, he will torture you forever.

Cimparkkinkem's most sacred site is Basalorum in Sweden.

Cimparkkinkem's Holy Commandments

1. Always wash your hands before prayer.

2. Hide if six bats approach from the south.

3. Worship no other gods but Cimparkkinkem.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Do not resist fate.