Tonkstafbass is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely heavy, boastful narwhal.

Tonkstafbass created the Large Magellanic Cloud three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tonkstafbass, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Tonkstafbass, it will send four elephants to rub you out.

Tonkstafbass' most sacred site is Askos in Greece.

Tonkstafbass' Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your back purple.

2. Never gather six porpoises near wells.

3. Do not take Tonkstafbass' name in vain.

4. Never mix spinach with blood.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.