Figgunhin is a god.

He takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, loving bat.

Figgunhin created humankind eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Figgunhin, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Figgunhin, he will send you a strongly worded letter.

Figgunhin's most sacred site is Gohrau in Germany.

Figgunhin's Holy Commandments

1. Never adorn your head with mauve markings.

2. Never look at black holes.

3. Do not name children after sharks.

4. Always help squirrels.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.