Lapfatzed is a god.

He takes the form of an one thousand metre long, calm spider.

Lapfatzed created carbon four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lapfatzed, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Lapfatzed, he will turn you into a rock.

Lapfatzed's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Lapfatzed's Holy Commandments

1. Never bounce in the presence of tortoises.

2. Never go into turquoise rooms.

3. Never handle iron while unclean.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.