Tifcanren is a god.

It takes the form of a very heavy, compassionate penguin.

Tifcanren created the Whirlpool Galaxy six billion years ago.

If you believe in Tifcanren, it will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Tifcanren, it will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Tifcanren's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Tifcanren's Holy Commandments

1. Tifcanren must be the most important thing in your life.

2. Paint representations of planets on the walls of your dwelling place in indigo.

3. Feed all hungry tortoises.

4. Do not drink water in gray rooms.

5. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Tifcanren.