Timtunquamvonk Flowkarzak is a god.

He takes the form of a very long, cheerful dugong.

Timtunquamvonk Flowkarzak created Europe seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Timtunquamvonk Flowkarzak, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Timtunquamvonk Flowkarzak, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Timtunquamvonk Flowkarzak's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Timtunquamvonk Flowkarzak's Holy Commandments

1. Never sprint near capybaras.

2. Always remove trousers before entering holy places.

3. Never mark doors with orange.

4. Do not prepare tomatoes while wearing rings.

5. Pray only in firelight.