Volbamyar is a god.

She takes the form of a large, irritating grasshopper.

Volbamyar created tapeworms four million years ago.

If you believe in Volbamyar, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Volbamyar, she will jump up and down on your head.

Volbamyar's most sacred site is Borolong in Botswana.

Volbamyar's Holy Commandments

1. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

2. Never prepare cucumbers during winter.

3. Always act with humility.

4. You must love Volbamyar.

5. Always pray immersed in water.