Tonflapnan is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely large, slow spider.

Tonflapnan created the cosmos six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tonflapnan, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Tonflapnan, she will throw large rocks at you.

Tonflapnan's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Tonflapnan's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed grapes to ants while wearing blue dresses.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Do not drink alcohol.

4. Always wear violet.

5. Always remove hats before entering holy places.