Matmanlopham is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, proud manatee.

Matmanlopham created the Sol system four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Matmanlopham, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Matmanlopham, he will boil you in a big pot.

Matmanlopham's most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Matmanlopham's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear trousers marked with yellow.

2. Never think about eukaryotes.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Matmanlopham loves squirrels, so they must be honoured.

5. Do not travel during spring.